Doors by Amanda Smith

The Doors

Amanda Smith

I am running up and down a long hallway, where at first I see two doors- one at each end. Both doors have windows, but both also have padlocks. I keep looking through the windows at what each door could hold for me. Behind one door I see one choice. With this choice, my life is decided one way- no looking back. When I look through this door, I wonder what is behind this pretty picture. Is there certainty without confusion? Is this where God wants me? Is there doubt hidden behind all this? So I run down the long hallway to the other door, and peer through the window. Behind this door, I see another life. Here there is a little more pain and fear. I am making more mistakes behind this door but maybe I am learning from them too? Can I handle it? So I run back to the other door. As I run- In my hand, I hold a key...

So I keep running back and forth between these two doors, looking in each window, thinking about what I should do. Which door will my key unlock- what is the right choice for my life? Because I know with this choice, my life will change. The running will stop, yes. But once I choose a door, that is it. I will have to accept the good and the bad behind whichever door I choose, and I am not sure I am ready for that. So I keep running, and crying, and I am so tired.... tired of running and tired of wondering. I am almost ready to just give up and "Eeny meeny miney mo" my way out of this choice.

I keep running back and forth and back and forth, when suddenly I notice a door in the middle of the hallway.... I never noticed this door before. It has no lock, but no window either. I see light shining out from the crack at the bottom, under the door. Beside the door it says: " Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.... For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

I stop and stare at this door. I have no idea what is behind it- none. And not knowing is scary too. I run back to the other two doors, and peer through those windows once more. Then I come back to the door in the middle. Asking myself, “Can I give up the key, can I walk through this door and walk away from controlling this choice?” I don't want to run anymore. I am tired of fighting with myself for answers. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't know where this door leads, but I know that it has to be better than the pain of running to exhaustion and crying until I can no longer breathe.

I say a prayer of gratitude to my Savior for taking the burden off my shoulders yet again and offering peace in the confusion. My hand is on the knob, and I slowly open the door and light floods over me. I don't have to run anymore, I can rest in the love of a God so beautiful and patient. He has been waiting for me to see his door for so long, just offering his arms to take away the hurt and confusion. I have been so caught up in my struggles that I didn't see him there... Just kept running right past trying to find my own answers.

I pray: Please, my Jesus, let me rest with you. Take this key from my hand... I can't do this anymore. I know it won't be easy. I will still cry, but I am also still learning from the wonderful experiences you have given me. I know you will offer the wisdom I so desperately need. But when the pain comes again- as I know it will- please continue to wrap me in your arms and protect me from myself. I love you, my Jesus. I am yours, my life is not my own.

"Whatever (I thought) was to my profit I now consider lost for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:7-14